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CPA Australia Awards Night at Vladivostok Social Club April 2017

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Brett Stevenson
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CPA Australia Awards Night at Vladivostok Social Club April 2017

Post by Brett Stevenson » Thu Aug 31, 2017 10:07 am

Hi all,

I realise that I never did write the article on the CPA Australia Awards Night in Vladivistok held soon after the AGM in Singapore.
Refer my group email of 21st April, which included my 2nd response to the awful CPAA memo of 16th March 2017.

The thinking behind the awards night in faraway Vladivostok was along the same lines of CPA Australia holding its AGM in Singapore.
No good reason at all other than to ensure minimum involvement and participation by Australian members.
Well it worked a treat in Vlad (which is the more affectionate terminology used by the locals).
Only a handful of Aussies there, but what they lacked in numbers they made up for in participation. It was a rowdy evening.
Methinks they thought the clear fluid in the bottles was water - big big mistake for many who paid the price the next day when they missed the last icebreaker and had to hibernate for a week or so until the next one.
Oh well, I’m sure plenty of stories came out of that one.

Well the awards night was held at the Vladivostok Social Club. One wouldn’t say it was a sumptuous affair. Unless of course you regard long wooden benches with bottles of ‘water' and plates of pickles, herring and bread as such.
But we were not there for the food, it was the awards.
Not a black suit in sight nor an elegant dress. No it was awards night Russian style.
The master of ceremonies was non other than Dimitri Onaccountov. Famous in the hinterland of Siberia (but let me not get sidetracked).

Many of the award winners were not there on the night but hey, who cares.
And you will see that there were many worthy contenders for each of the awards, so clearly the winner was a standout among the giants.

It was not rehearsed, however the pattern of the night emerged that as each award winner was announced, everyone ate a herring, had a swig of ‘water’ and threw the empty glass over their shoulder. Whew, you hardly need to have a vivid imagination to picture the social club when the final award was announced (The Winston Smith Award)at the end of the evening.
Yes, one would hardly describe it as pretty, but what was lost in prettiness was made up for in exuberant celebration.
But I am getting ahead of myself.
Let's start with the awards as they were made.
The master of ceremonies began by giving a description of each award but he quickly dispensed with this when the audience yelled out ‘We know! We know! Just give us the winner.”
So, I shall also dispense with a description of the awards as I’m sure you can ‘read between the lines’ to know what each one represents.
N.B. Some of the award winners were prophetic in nature as the winners were anticipated as this event was held in April 2017.


The Hook, Line and Sinker Award - dual winners for this award. Macquarie University for using The Naked CEO book as a text for students. Sydney University for Tyrone Carlins use of the universities generous 1 day a week off campus work rule to swing the three day a week CPA Presidents job.

The Elephant in the Room Award - The Naked CEO book

The Fly on the Wall Award - Louie was the stand out winner.

The Emperor Has No Clothes Award - this award did not even have to be announced. Everyone knew who the winner was. The winner failed to show but hey the celebration of this award almost brought the house down (and if you had seen the structural condition of the Vladimir Social Club, you might consider this to be more than a metaphorical statement).

The ‘Let’s Not Rock the Boat Award’ - many worthy contenders for this award but eventually the winner was all the directors of CPA Australia from 2008 through to 2017. Consideration is being given to renaming this award the 'Hall of Shame' Award.

The Cream Puffery Award - this would have to go to the whole Integrated Reporting Industry which CPA Australia has been promoting as the new wave of reporting. When this award was announced there was a ceremonial burning of the annual reports of CPA Australia for the last 5 years. Dimitri Onaccountov got so carried away with this (but perhaps it was the 'water' he was drinking) that we thought the whole building might go up in flames.

The 'I Just Didn’t Think About It’ Award - the Representative Council, and the Divisional Councillors. Just too busy to think we guessed. Lots of boos and hisses with this award, and perhaps unsurprisingly no winners present to receive the award.

The Corbettal (pronounced as in orbital, named after the AFR reporter Bryce Corbett) - Jillian Bowen, the social media manager at CPA Australia. She was a standout winner. You will need to read Bryce Corbett's 1st March 2017 column to appreciate this award. Most of the Vlad Social Club members started a chant of Herring, Herring, Herring when this award was announced.

The Tadrossian (named after the AFR reporter Edmund Tadros) - Michael Stutchbury the editor of the AFR was the inaugural winner of this award for being prepared to stick with this story.

The ‘Let’s Be Quiet’ Award - ASIC was the clearcut winner of this. They didn't show to collect the award but apparently they have received so many of these awards that they have leased a whole floor at Head Office to display them. They see them as a badge of honour. They should have heard what the people at the Vlad Social Club ought of that. Yes even for my reasonably tough ears I'm afraid I couldn't repeat it.

The 'Thousand Horses Wouldn't Drag It Out Of Us' Award - the CPA Australia Board from 2009 through to 2017 in not fully disclosing key management personnel remuneration. Fortunately a s202B request did what a thousand horses couldn't.

The ‘Butter Wouldn’t Melt in My Mouth’ Award - Graeme Wade on justifying the non full disclosure of key management personnel remuneration because of the risk of them being poached.

The ‘No Conflict of Interest’ Award - Graeme Wade. As soon as the words National Basketball League were mentioned the room broke into pandemonium.

The ‘Did I Really Say That’ Award - Jeff Hughes when he said in his memo of 2nd March 2017 that the one figure amount for key management personnel remuneration was ‘clearly disclosed’ in the annual accounts and that ‘there are simply no secrets in relation to the total quantum cost..”.
Even Dimitrov Onaccountov found that one a doozy.

The 'Gerrymander' Award - Alex Malley, Adam Awty, Jeff Hughes, Graeme Wade, Richard Petty and Kerry Ryan.

The 'Great Supporter' or 'Best Clubman' Award - Jim Dickson

The 'Self-Appointed Listener' or 'Bravado Without Context' Award[/b] - Tim Youngberry

The 'One Plus One Equals Three’ Award - Alex Malley’s performance in ABC Business explaining how 140,000 plus 40,000 equals 160,000.
This award was greeted with such hollers and whooping that we thought we might have to postpone the rest of the evening.

The 'You've Got To Be Kidding' Award - Tyrone Carlin resigning as President /Chairman in the spirit of renewal. We think we need a spirit of renewal award next year. The judges thought that was the doozy of doozies.

The 'Keep Those Academic Connections Working' Award - Macquarie University and its exemplars Alex Malley, Richard Petty, Tyrone Carlin to name just three.

The Integrity Award - there were none worthy of the award this year.

The 'Let's Retreat Into Silence' Award or the 'Anti-Bravery' Award - the seven directors of CPA Australia who resigned in mid 2017.

The 'Forget The Bottom Line' Award - the Board and management of CPA Australia Advice for losing $7.2 million after 19 months on a total revenue of $49,000

The 'Let's Make Hay While The Sun Shines' Award - the Board and management of CPA Australia Advice for rewarding themselves so handsomely without any consideration of the financial situation of the company.

The 'Director Longevity' Award - Graeme Wade and Richard Petty with Kerry Ryan coming in for a special mention as the close runner-up.

The 'Let's Keep It In The Family' Award - Richard Petty and Tatyana Klauzner

The Don Watson 'Management Speak' Award - Jeff Hughes memo of 2nd March 2017 was the clear cut winner. The following was provided on a scroll for the winner as a permanent reminder of what a worthy winner he was. It is just beautiful use of management speak - almost brings tears to the eyes.
"The challenge and paradox of setting and implementing strategy in an organisation whose membership is highly diverse on essentially every measurable dimension is that in advancing the whole, the particular preferences of an individual member may not be wholly fulfilled. Nonetheless, it has been my almost universal experience that once reminded that the board’s core strategic tenets are to enhance the brand, drive advocacy and create and disseminate knowledge, members acknowledge the coherence of the organisation’s activities with those stated strategic priorities. A practical manifestation of this understanding is our membership retention rate, which stands at record levels and, from what we are able to glean by reference to disclosures made by other broadly comparable member organisations, compares very favourably to them."

The 'True and Fair View' Award - anyone but the the Deloitte auditor Mark Stretton. Consideration is being given to renaming this award for next year.

The 'Doing a Great Job as Director’ Award - there were none worthy of the award this year.

The Louis Brandeis 'Bright Light’ Award - The Naked Webmaster and the CPAMembers.Org website.

The 'And The Money Kept Rolling In' Award - the senior management and executive leadership team at CPA Australia.

The 'What Are We Being Paid For?' Award - the senior management and executive leadership team at CPA Australia.

The 'Do You Think We Should Say Something' Award - the senior management and executive leadership team at CPA Australia.

The 'And We Decided Not To Say Anything' Award - the senior management and executive leadership team at CPA Australia.

The 'They Finally Came To The Party' Award - the 16 or so past presidents and luminaries of CPA with their letter of protest, and some of the divisional councillors who were seemingly shamed into doing and saying something.

The “Let’s Do The Right Thing’ Award - there were none worthy of the award this year.

The 'Let's Not Do The Right Thing' Award - this was a toss up between the board and the senior management of CPA Australia. Nothing to separate them in the judges opinions so this award went to all of them.

The Winston Smith Award - Joe Aston. He may not have had the quiet subtlety of Winston but he had the same dogged determination and insight. A worthy winner.
By this stage of the evening the announcement was met with wild celebrations and herrings and glasses were all being thrown over the shoulder.

As for me, I retreated to my hotel to catch the icebreaker early in the morning, and remained sober so I could recall as much of the night as possible for this report.


Brett Stevenson CPA BComm MDiv
bstevenson100@gmail.com

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nakedadmin
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Re: CPA Australia Awards Night at Vladivostok Social Club April 2017

Post by nakedadmin » Thu Aug 31, 2017 1:47 pm

Lol.
Brett Stevenson wrote:
Thu Aug 31, 2017 10:07 am
The Louis Brandeis 'Bright Light’ Award - The Naked Webmaster and the CPAMembers.Org website.
You forgot to mention you got the Han Solo - Rouge One award.
The Naked Webmaster

Magnet
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Re: CPA Australia Awards Night at Vladivostok Social Club April 2017

Post by Magnet » Thu Aug 31, 2017 4:40 pm

:lol:

Nice work Brett!!

JWheldon
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Joined: Wed May 24, 2017 6:43 pm

Re: CPA Australia Awards Night at Vladivostok Social Club April 2017

Post by JWheldon » Thu Aug 31, 2017 5:33 pm

Great effort Brett!!!! Very funny.

Maybe next year at Vladivostok, there could a few Game Of Thrones references, given the winter?

The littefinger award - Nakedly ambitious, basically responsible for creating division to achieve own goals.

chuck_meister
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Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2017 8:58 am

Re: CPA Australia Awards Night at Vladivostok Social Club April 2017

Post by chuck_meister » Fri Sep 01, 2017 9:40 am

Members should form the Iron Bank. " One way or another, they always get their gold back." (ie Malley's $4.8M payout.)

passedfc
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Re: CPA Australia Awards Night at Vladivostok Social Club April 2017

Post by passedfc » Fri Sep 01, 2017 2:52 pm

Brilliant Brett !!

Ken Crout
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Location: Victor Harbor SA 5211

Re: CPA Australia Awards Night at Vladivostok Social Club April 2017

Post by Ken Crout » Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:39 am

Excellent, Brett!
Your article perfectly captures the surreal absurdity of CPA Australia holding it's AGM in Singapore.

I am reminded of the top-rating Skyhooks song from 1990 . . . "Jukebox in Siberia".

"Get down, get down Vladivostok,
all the Russians love to rock!
To that Jukebox in Siberia,
Deep in the interior,
Poundin' out hysteria!
Get down, get down Vladivostok,
all the Russians love to rock!"

The board of CPA Australia, and The Naked CEO, would feel right at home in Vladivostok.
Regards,
Ken

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